Bear Grylls would hardly be up to election count challenge!
“This is like the Third World,” commented one seasoned Fine Gael stalwart, as she shivered with the cold and wiped the snowflakes from her hair after returning from the outside toilet at the Laois/Offaly election count, held in what surely has to be one of the largest industrial warehouse units in the whole of the constituency, if not the whole country.
“We were going to the toilet outside in Ireland 50 years ago, and we are still doing it here,” said another political supporter, who asked the question that was on everyone's lips all weekend, “Who in heaven's name decided to bring us all here?”
Election counts are not places for the faint-hearted, and the industrial unit where the Laois/Offaly Count took place in Kea Lew Business Park, just off the Mountrath Road in Portlaoise, was a place that would have put up a severe challenge to one of the most seasoned outdoor enthusiasts of them all, Bear Grylls himself.
On one of the coldest weekends of the year, when sleet, snow, thunder and torrential rain battered every square inch of the Emerald Isle, the blow heaters which had been installed in the count centre did their best to stave off the Baltic conditions, but ultimately fought a losing battle.
As the winds whipped up and swirled under every door, it was hard to concentrate on anything other than how to keep warm. How indeed? A big red warning sign instructing us to “Keep Clear of The Heater” caused much amusement throughout the long and torturous hours of counting, with one party supporter wryly commenting “I'd say I'd get more heat if I stood in front of a candle.”
Thankfully, the staff at Bosco's Catering Company, who had been drafted in to provide sustenance to the masses, did their bit to keep us all warm with copious amounts of tea and coffee and plenty of friendly chitchat. Thank heavens there was no bar in the building or we would have had to resort to the hot whiskies to warm up our frozen bones. Oh, how we envied all those who were sitting at home in front of their roaring fires and watching the counts from the comfort of their couches.
As if things couldn't possibly get any worse, we thought the end of the world was nigh on Saturday afternoon as the torrential rain began to thunder down on the galvanised roof creating an almighty clatter inside. Our already-frigid ears nearly fell off the side of our heads when a 'housekeeping' announcement was made warning everybody not to stand in a particular section of the building in case they got wet.
Kidneys were groaning all over the place, but nobody was listening, as the mere thought of having to go outside in such appalling weather and enter another freezing building – this time the toilet - was all too much for many of us mere mortals. Not only that, but there was an alarmingly high jump to be negotiated for those of us of small stature to even get in the door of the Portaloo-like structures!
A quick gymnastics class in advance of a visit to the loo would perhaps have been an advantage.
The only politician to brave the Baltic conditions for the duration of the two-day count was the Green Party's Pippa Hackett who probably would have been just as warm if she had decided to stay at home on her farm outside Geashill and engage in a spot of outdoor work.
However, she was positively glowing at her very strong showing in her first General Election which saw her manage to hang in there right up to the final count.
As we packed up our laptops, phones, notebooks, clipboards and pens around 8pm on Monday night after more than 25 hours in Portlaoise, it will be a long time before any of us want to see the words “Kea Lew Business Park” again.
It was all a far cry indeed from the comfort of Coláiste na Sionna in Banagher in 2016!